I Still Miss You

10:47:00 AM

Today is my grandmother’s birthday. She would have been 102 years old! I still miss her so much. It’s been 16 years since she died, but it feels like yesterday. I still cry if I think about her too much. I wish she was here to see my family. When she died, I was a Junior in college. So, she didn’t get to see me graduate college or law school, pass the bar, get married, have kids, etc. 

My belly is really showing now. It’s funny because someone asked me today if I lost weight. I had a jacket with a dark purple top on so they couldn’t see my midsection clearly from the front. So, I turned sideways and they were like, “oh my, there’s a bun in the oven!” It’s getting warmer out so people will definitely know soon enough. I only told this person because they are always so nice and kind to me so I wanted to let them know the good news. 

I am a little a lot stressed. I’m trying to just go with the flow and relax. My hubby says that worrying and stressing won’t do anything, so I should just stop, but it’s easier said than done. He still hasn’t found another job yet. He’s qualified for anything he wants to do, so that’s not the problem. The problem is his project that he’s working on with his co-workers. He’s letting that take the forefront, but it’s not making him any money and who knows when, or if, it ever will. It was his coworker’s idea first and he asked for my hubby’s help with coding. Now, they’ve formed a “partnership” (no legal contracts have been signed though which worries me) with them and other co-workers. 

The thing is these coworkers are in a better position financially than us. They’re younger, single, and have no kids. Also, they don’t have to work if they don’t want to. Last month, the CFO for my hubby’s job told him that they didn’t receive any funding for May. Yes, as in next month. It’s almost the middle of the month and still no funding has come in. We’ve known about this possibility though since the merger of the companies. At first, my hubby was in "find-a-job-immediately" mode and then he fizzled out and started spending the majority of his time doing coding for the side project. It’s so frustrating to me! Recently, he told me that his coworker made a comment that he was going to quit the job and work on the project full-time. I asked what would he do about money. My hubby told me he was well-off and had funds (read trust fund baby). Another “partner” did the same thing a couple months ago and just quit without any secured employment because he could. That’s well and good for them, but we don’t live that reality. We don’t have enough savings and we damn sure aren’t trust fund babies. 

I’m trying to get my husband to understand that I don’t mind him having a hobby, but it needs to be put on the back burner until he finds another stable job, with health insurance. Let the trust fund babies go at it full-time and do the work. As it is now, my hubby seems to be doing 75% of the work in this “partnership” of about 4 – 5 people. Argh! He doesn’t see it that way. But, I know how obsessed he gets with coding. It’s like he could do it non-stop without eating or sleeping and that's not an exaggeration either. He's gotten serious health issues (deep vein thrombosis and pulmonary embolism) over sitting for so long and coding. Now, they’re having meetings and happy hours after work to discuss the project. Yeah, the same one that’s not paying. Um, you could use that time after work to search for more jobs. I just want him to have some balance. Plus, when the twins get here, he needs to be all about them and our two older boys just like I will have to be.

That’s not the only thing that worries me either. I’ve been reading blogs about twins and it seems more common that women are placed on bed rest very early for weeks at a time. Also, there’s risk of premature delivery. I know we can’t plan for everything, but I would at least like to have housing and our vehicle in place. Our Nissan Maxima is not going to hold the four of us plus two car seats. So, we’ll need a vehicle for six. We also need to move. I’m hoping the sale goes through with the house somehow so we can purchase something. I’m looking for homes but nothing seems to be in our price range or in the location we want. I feel like we need a miracle at this point.

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